Sunday, July 15, 2007

I Am My Own Worst Enemy

I haven’t updated this in a while and finally got some free time so here goes…These past few weeks have been pure insanity. Fiddler has opened and closed, I’ve stopped working at Cartus, started taking a Chaucer course and opened 20th Century. That’s the short list. I’ve also done a great deal of evaluation these past couple of weeks, evaluation of my life and everything in it. I came to a startling conclusion; I am my own worst enemy. I kind of already thought that but after looking at recent things that have happened to me I have come to a full realization. I get in my own way. I am afraid of failure; it is as simple as that. So in order not to fail, I don’t try. When I do try I don’t give it one hundred percent because what would be the point? The times I have given one hundred percent have resulted in failure. I know failing is okay. Someone needs to tell my brain that.

This is one of the main reasons I cannot be an actor for a living. I can’t deal with rejection. I just don’t have the drive most actors do. After sitting in the audition room for the Broadway tour of ‘The Producers’ earlier this year I have realized I’m not one of them. I don’t NEED the job. Those people needed the job to survive. I could never live that way. There were people at that audition that had five or six others that same day. I will forever remember a quote from Felicia Finley who was starring in Wedding Singer. She said, “Opening night of Wedding Singer I had another audition earlier that day, because you just never know how long a show will last”. That really had an effect on me. I need steady work. I can’t always be on the verge of failure. I’ve realized that this is the reason I have not had one decent relationship – ever. I’m afraid to go after the girl. When I finally get up the nerve, she’s either with someone else or gone for good. I’m afraid because most of the time I become such good friends with the girl that I fear losing that friendship. I just don’t know. This is something I just have to get over and soon, if I ever want to be successful in life.

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