Attention New Zealand government officials: Pat and Sheena Wheaton should not be aloud to have children ever again. The reason for this is because of the current legal situation they are in. They are fighting the government of New Zealand for the right to name their newborn baby “4real”, no, I did not mistype. The couple wants to name their baby 4real Wheaton. The New Zealand government has stepped in and told them that they cannot name their baby 4real citing that numerals are not allowed in names. They are attempting to overturn this decision, but for now have registered the baby’s name as “Real”. I guess they will just add the 4 in later.
This raises a few different issues. One, why they would want to name their baby 4real in the first place? Their answer? "For most of us, when we try to figure out what our names mean, we have to look it up in a babies book and ... there's no direct link between the meaning and the name," Pat Wheaton told a local New Zealand television station on Wednesday. "With this name, everyone knows what it means." Yes, everyone does know what it means – it means you are horrible parents. If having horrible parents aren’t enough for this kid he will always have this ridiculous name.
The government of New Zealand has specific rules addressing the registration of names; their rules are designed to thwart any names that are “likely to cause offense to a reasonable person”. Officials have stated that names they have rejected have included Satan and Adolf Hitler. What person in their reasonable mind would name their child Adolf Hitler? Or Satan? I can understand the Satan one to a degree, there may have just been a typo at the registrar’s office on a baby soon to be named Stan. I just don’t get why parents feel the need to scar their children from birth by giving them a terrible name. If your last name is Simpson, don’t name your kid O.J., it’s as simple as that. Don’t try to be creative or unusual, it will backfire on you. Look at Frank Zappa. He named his daughter Moon Unit – MOON UNIT! Give you kids a normal name. Like, Steve or Rachel. Don’t name them after fruits (hear that Gwenyth Paltrow?). Apple isn’t a good name for anything – except an apple. Note to Tom Cruise be prepared to explain to your daughter Suri why she’s is getting “with a fringe on the top” jokes thrown at her the rest of her life. Don’t name your kid an occupation. I know this is hard to believe, but people do it. Actor Jason Lee named his son Pilot Inspektor. Right there you’ve disobeyed that rule twice, using pilot and inspector. I know by changing the “C” to a “K” you figured you could throw people off to this fact, but no, we’re too smart.
So Please, New Zealand continue to bar crazy names for being registered, for the sake of us all. As a matter of fact, I have a suggestion. When a parent comes in to register their child with a crazy name, those parents should have their name temporarily changed to that for a period of one month and see how they like it. That was we would have far less Moon Units and more William and Marys (not the college, the proper names).